
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/532746.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Teen_Wolf_(TV)
  Relationship:
      Derek_Hale/Stiles_Stilinski
  Character:
      Derek_Hale, Stiles_Stilinski
  Additional Tags:
      Angst, Happy_ending_though, Happy_Ending, It's_NOT_a_mate_fic, don't_say
      it_is_until_you've_read_it_to_the_end, Confusion, people_who_don't_know
      how_to_use_their_words, meddling_alphas_from_other_packs, sometimes_i
      think_i'm_funny_but_i'm_really_not, I_don't_know
  Stats:
      Published: 2012-10-09 Words: 13235
****** Ghosts that we knew ******
by Dark_K
Summary
     It’s all good, though, because as soon as Stiles graduate he’ll go
     away, and probably never come back, and his wolf will let go of the
     illusion that Stiles means anything more to him than an easy fuck.
Notes
     I’ve been toying with this for WEEKS, and today I finally finished –
     I hope you guys enjoy it!
     It’s a one-shot! (I’m very, very bad at them). It’s over 30 pages and
     13k long, but it’s all here!
     I hope you like it!
     The name of the story and the song between each part is Ghosts that
     we knew, by Mumford & Sons. Great, great song.
See the end of the work for more notes
                              Ghosts that we knew
                   You saw my pain, washed out in the rain
                 Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins
“Derek... Shit. Derek, I’m... I’m dying.”
His voice is surprised, and it really shouldn’t be. He has an arrow in the
middle of his chest.
Derek is staring wide eyed at him, panicking and almost insane. Stiles is
dying.
“Don’t talk, you fucking moron!” he growls as he kneels beside Stiles on the
forest ground, dirt and dead leaves and so much blood, blood all around them.
“I’m dying,” the boy whispers this time, “I’m fucking dying.”
“There’s… There’s nothing I can do.” His voice is hollow and pained, and he’s
actually startled – he can’t do anything. The arrow was infused with wolfsbane;
him biting Stiles will just make him die in agonizing pain instead of just
dying.
He is dying, and Derek can’t save him.
“I know.” Their eyes meet, and Derek closes his first, because he can’t take
it, “I’m scared,” Stiles whispers, quieter this time, and Derek snaps his eyes
open again.
“I’m sorry,” he bites out, and it doesn’t really sound like an apology, it’s
more an accusation.
How dare he? How dare he die on him like this? How dare he die on him like his
family had, like Laura and all the others? How dare he?
“Not your fault,” the boys replies, with a choked laugh – blood in his mouth -,
and Derek grasps one of his hands and squeezes.
“Liar. You know it’s my fault.”
And it is. All of this is his fault – for putting a bunch of teenagers in
danger, for putting Stiles in the line of fire during the attack, not really
thinking about the fact he was only human. He didn’t want to play favorites, he
didn’t want Stiles to think he thought him weak.
And now he’s dying.
Stiles doesn’t answer, and Derek looks at his face again. His eyes are closed,
and his mouth is slightly open – blood.
“Stiles?” he calls quietly, and doesn’t get any answer, “Stiles,” he calls out,
and he can’t breathe properly, “STILES!” he finally screams, shaking the
immobile body in his arms.
His roar is deafening, and he can’t seem to think of a single way to get up or
find the others, and he doesn’t even care what is happening in the fight.
“STILES,” he screams again, and suddenly he is sitting up in bed, trying to
gasp for air, his lungs aching, as if he hasn’t breathed for long minutes.
He looks around the badly lit room frantically – he’s home. He’s alone. There’s
no fight, no forest, no arrow through the pale boy’s chest.
He’s alone.
And Stiles is alive.
He falls back in bed and breathes in deeply – when he started messing around
with that boy this was not what he signed up for.
                  But you saw no fault no cracks in my heart
                    And you knelt beside my hope torn apart
It started back when they had to run a pack of Alphas out of town, and Stiles
was the one who was going between him and Scott to make their alliance work.
Beacon Hills was a small territory to have two Alpha werewolves, but Scott
wasn’t really interested in ruling anything, he just wanted to make out with
his girlfriend and live long enough to finish High School.
Stiles is their liaison of a sort, because Jackson is a jerk, and Derek doesn’t
really trust Isaac not to defect if he spends too much time with Scott, so
Stiles it is.
Derek is not very sure of how or when his throwing Stiles onto walls thing
stopped being threatening and started being teasing, but it does. And then one
day he just kisses him, thinking Stiles will try and throw him away, or will
complain, kick and scream, but he doesn’t expect Stiles to groan and pull him
closer, and kiss him back.
He also doesn’t expect Stiles to smile when one more threat has come and gone
during the boy’s Junior year, he comes over through the boy’s window when he
knows his father isn’t home.
He has no way to expect Stiles not to tell him no when he throws him onto his
bed and jerks him off, putting Stiles hand on his erection, and helping Stiles
jerk him off too.
And it’s definitely a surprise when Stiles comes over one night, and lets Derek
throw him on the mattress he’s sleeping on. He also lets Derek mark him, and
scent him and fuck him, and not even once he says no, or stop, or wait. He
doesn’t complain, and he also doesn’t linger. He doesn’t expect cuddles or
meaningful kisses – it’s all about the sex.
It is for Derek, and he knows it is for Stiles, because Stiles is a teenage
boy, and Derek is a willing body, and sex means nothing to them. It’s just a
relief, a way out, a way to burn out the stress of several life and death
situations.
It’s not about feelings.
It can’t be.
That’s why that dream is a bit of a scare to Derek – he didn’t expect to feel
that desperate in seeing Stiles dying, like a part of him is gone forever. It
makes him twitchy and angry and annoyed, and he wants to growl and break
something, but he doesn’t.
His Alpha nature made him more violent, he knows, but showing signs of violence
with no need is the way several Alphas met their ends, when Betas decided they
had had enough, so he needs to calm down before he does something stupid, like
breaking Isaac’s arm, or killing Peter.
Again.
For both situations.
Things are different now than they were back when his… tryst with Stiles had
begun. His house is habitable again, having been fixed up where it could and
put down and rebuilt where it couldn’t, and Isaac and Peter live there with him
permanently. Jackson comes and goes as he pleases, as his parents don’t seem to
much care he’s not home as long as they think he’s safe, and that means Lydia
is there too, even if seeing Peter kind of almost kills her the first few
times.
Scott, of course, is not a part of their pack, but then again, Scott’s pack is,
nowadays, Allison, even if Derek doesn’t want to see it that way – Stiles is
not Scott’s: he Derek’s, if only because they’re fucking, and his wolf seems to
think that means something when it clearly does not. He isn’t even sure that
Scott and Stiles recognize this – he knows for sure that Peter does, and so
does Lydia, but that’s it. Whatever they started a year ago it’s getting
stronger by the day – Stiles is in his last year of High School, and they’ve
been doing… whatever this is for over a year.
All the others live under the impression that Stiles isn’t a part of this pack,
and they live accordingly, ignoring Stiles at school, and, in Jackson’s case,
being a jerk to him at all times, and mostly during Lacrosse practice.
It’s all good, though, because as soon as Stiles graduate he’ll go away, and
probably never come back, and his wolf will let go of the illusion that Stiles
means anything more to him than an easy fuck.
He does not.
Even if the despair he feels in the dream seems real, the rest of it isn’t.
There’re no strings attached.
There’ll never be.
              But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
                          And we'll live a long life
He gets up and goes to the kitchen – it’s way too early for any of the others
to be awake, so he makes some coffee and decides to go out for a bit. He
doesn’t take his car – he runs. Aimlessly, apparently, until he realizes he’s
one block away from Stiles house. He entertains the thought of going away
again, but something in him aches, and he just… has to see Stiles.
For all that’s worth, sometimes he gets the urge to see Scott too, just to see
if he’s okay – he even does it for Allison from time to time. It’s instinct,
and nothing else.
He gets in through the window noiselessly, it’s always unlocked nowadays – he
asked Stiles to leave it that way. It’s not like a small human lock would keep
away anything that’d harm Stiles anyway.
The boy is sprawled out on the bed despite it being winter. The holidays are
fast approaching, and there are books strewn on the room floor that attest for
Stiles’ attempt at studying the night before for his exams.
He’s on his back, half his blanket on the floor, leaving his torso exposed to
the room – to Derek.
He comes to the bed and kneels on it, just one leg, the other still on the
floor, and touches the pale skin showing between his pajama pants and his too
big shirt. Stiles inhales sharply and opens his eyes, staring blearily at
Derek.
“Dude, what…” but he cuts himself short, because Derek’s hands seem to possess
a life of their own, and they move into Stiles’ pants and around his half hard
cock, and the boy doesn’t say anything anymore, but moans quietly, eyes closed,
jerking his hips and panting, and Derek smirks.
He likes seeing Stiles come undone like this with just a touch from him.
When the boy comes, Derek doesn’t give him any time to really recover, he opens
his own jeans and sits over Stiles, pushing him up until his mouth is lined up
with Derek’s dick, and he pushes it past Stiles lips. Stiles sucks him in the
exact way he likes it, because they know each other now, and Derek bites his
lips when he comes, trying not to make too much noise because Stiles’ father
will be home any minute.
When they are done, Stiles falls back onto bed, smiling a little even though
his lips are hurt and swollen.
Derek closes his jeans back again, gets up and leaves.
He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t kiss Stiles, he just… leaves.
It’s just sex after all.
           So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
                     ‘Cause oh they gave me such a fright
Stiles tries to get his bearings when Derek leaves.
It’s always like this.
Derek does something super creepy, or hyper weird, and then they just… get it
on. They jerk off, they blow each other a lot, they fuck – or, actually, Derek
fucks Stiles, because hell will freeze over the day the Alpha of the Hale Pack
bends over for anyone, and then Derek just closes off and leaves, or closes off
and tells him to leave.
He knows it’s not healthy, and yet, he can’t seem to stop, because he… well, he
likes Derek.
A Lot.
With capital letters and everything.
He sighs and throws an arm over his eyes, trying to rationalize things, the way
he always does when Derek leaves him after they… have an encounter. There’s no
other word for it.
The strange thing is he knows it can’t be just sex. It just can’t.
Derek’s wolf wouldn’t let him, not for this long. There is some sort of
emotional attachment here, there has to be, and yet he can’t seem to find it
within Derek to let this go.
Jesus, even Scott knows Derek and Stiles have something. He knows his best
friend isn’t even a part of his pack anymore because he’s fucking the town’s
other Alpha. And yet, Derek can’t seem to pull his head out of his ass for long
enough to realize it, and Stiles doesn’t know how to start that conversation,
so he just… lets things run their course.
They’ll have to talk about this at some point, though, because the end of High
School is near, and they’ll have to work something out – he doesn’t want to be
left without his pack, and he wants to know how things are going to work next
year.
But seeing as he can’t seem to even talk to Derek properly after having his
dick in his mouth, he has no real hope of it being a great conversation.
Things have changed a lot from the first time they met – even if Scott isn’t
happy about losing Stiles to the other Pack, he’s happy for Stiles, because he
actually thinks he and Derek have a somewhat healthy relationship. Jackson and
Isaac think he leaves after he and Derek fuck because his dad would freak out.
Lydia and Peter know there’s something shady about them, but even they don’t
seem to realize the extension of the weirdness of their… thing. And sure,
Jackson is still an asshole, but it’s mostly in good humor, and Isaac is a
pretty okay guy.
It worries Stiles sometimes that Derek doesn’t really see things. Derek seems
to be emotionally stunted in ways Stiles has never thought possible, but he’s
been kidding himself for a few months now that everything will be okay.
The problem is that college is near and things won’t solve themselves.
He needs to talk to Derek.
He decides he’ll do it tonight, because there’s a pack meeting, and he’ll be
there. He won’t let Derek get away with just fucking him quiet this time.
They’ll talk, and they’ll solve this mess.
They will.
                      But I will hold as long as you like
                       Just promise me we'll be alright
The problem with Stiles’ plans is that they hardly ever work like he wants them
to.
His excuse to come to the first Pack meeting was that he was a liaison between
Derek and Scott, and that’s why he had to be there. Nowadays, he’s there
because he’s pack and everyone knows so, even if Derek doesn’t say anything
officially.
School is as weird as always, and he actually tells Lydia he’ll try to talk to
Derek after the meeting that night. She looks amused and pats him on the back,
telling him it was about time for one of them to man up. Jackson hears of it
and snorts in laughter, but doesn’t comment on it, and Allison tries to comfort
him saying that relationships are always difficult.
Well, considering she has tried to kill his… whatever-Derek-is-to-him at least
four times in the past, yes, things are complicated, but he’ll manage.
He hopes.
He gets to the Hale house with time to spare, and what he finds there is not
what he was expecting. Peter is already looking as if he’s contemplating
killing Derek, and the younger man is pacing the room like a caged animal.
Ok, maybe not his best day to try and talk, but Stiles is still willing.
“What are you doing here?” Derek actually growls at him by the end of the
sentence, and Stiles startles, because it’s been a long time since they have
had this kind of interaction for real.
“Pack meeting” he says easily and slowly, as if he is questioning Derek’s
sanity – which he is, constantly, but then again, he’s constantly questioning
his too, so.
Derek stops pacing then, and stares at him intently, his eyes glowing Alpha red
the whole time.
“Yes. Pack meeting. For my pack.”
“…Okay?” he replies, because where the fuck is Derek going with this shit?
“What are you still doing here?” Derek repeats, and Stiles looks at Peter who
is shaking his head, and then drops them on his hands, as if giving up on his
nephew’s stupidity.
If Stiles knew what’s good for him he’d do the same, but he doesn’t, because he
never knows when to give something up.
“Pack-meeting” he says again, enunciating the words carefully, and Derek comes
closer, almost threateningly, but Stiles refuses to take a step back.
“You’re not pack” Derek says, and that’s when Stiles stumbles back, as if
physically hurt.
What?
“What?!” comes the exclamation from the door, and Stiles knows it’s Jackson,
but he doesn’t turn away to look at him, because, what? “What do you mean
Stiles is not pack? He’s more pack than Isaac is, at least he does something
useful” he finishes, and Stiles can hear the smirk in his voice.
His eyes are on the ground, though, and he can’t seem to make himself look up
and stare at Derek.
He’s not pack?
Did he read this whole shit wrong?
“Hey!” comes the complaint from Isaac, “If anything, Stiles is more pack than
me because he’s fucking Derek, and that’s it.”
Jackson and Isaac laugh, but Derek, Stiles, Peter and Lydia are quiet.
They have already realized something is very wrong here.
“You told them?” Derek asks, eyes red and voice distorted, and Jackson and
Isaac snort, but it’s Peter who answers.
“You think we didn’t know? You two have been reeking of each other all the time
for over a year. We just thought you were being quiet about it because he’s
still in school” he goes quiet and then shakes his head again, “But that’s not
it, is it? Are you seriously in denial about your mate, Derek?” he finishes as
if he can’t quiet grasp this level of idiocy, and Stiles is right there with
him.
Okay, maybe he didn’t know about the mate thing, but even he knows they are
more serious than just fuck-buddies.
Apparently, Derek didn’t.
Possibly, Derek doesn’t even want them to.
“I’ll…” he tries, but his throat closes up and he shakes his head, taking a
deep breath before trying again, “I’ll just leave.”
He turns around, but Derek’s hand on his arm stops him.
He looks at him, hopeful, but Derek’s expression is still closed off, he’s
looking at the door, and the other werewolves are still too.
Stiles looks at Lydia and she shrugs.
“I want you all quiet and well behaved. We have a guest from a friendly Pack,
and he requested to talk to us” Peter says, and Stiles can’t help it, he has to
say it.
“He asked for the pack, right? So I should really leave.”
He tries to get his arm out of Derek’s grasp, but the man is having none of it,
actually dragging Stiles to the table and putting him on a chair.
“We’ll talk later” Derek growls as the doorbell rings, and Stiles snorts.
“Now, that will be a feat” he replies bitterly, and Lydia, who’s sitting beside
him, squeezes his hand in sympathy.
It’s not the first time they see some other werewolf come to their territory,
but there’s something setting Derek off this time, and as Peter opens the door
and Derek stares at the man on the other side, Stiles can see why.
He’s an Alpha.
He’s also as far from Derek as one can be – longish red hair and clear blue
eyes, freckled pale skin that Stiles would call adorable on a human being, or
even another wolf who wasn’t an Alpha. He’s taller than Derek, but less
muscled, and he’s wearing glasses.
Glasses on a werewolf.
Why?
Stiles is really intrigued by it, and keeps on thinking reasons of why an Alpha
werewolf would wear glasses. He’s so distracted he must have missed
introductions, because when he listens again, Peter is pointing to him.
“And our humans, Lydia and Stiles” Lydia smiles at the man, who grins back,
easy and calm, and Stiles just nods a bit, distracted again for a different
reason.
Derek is growling, very low and very constantly at the other Alpha’s back. When
he catches Stiles’ gaze, they stare into each other’s eyes and he refuses to
let go, look down and submit.
He, apparently, isn’t even pack. He’s not submitting.
They keep looking, neither willing to look down or look away, until the new
Alpha’s voice interrupts them.
“I apologize” he says to Derek, who tears his eyes away from Stiles to stare at
the newcomer, “I had no idea he was your mate” he finishes with a smile and
Stiles lets out a strangled laugh.
He looks up again with a mocking smile, and sees Derek is staring at him again,
all angry and dark. Stiles just shakes his head.
“You know what? I shouldn’t even be here. It’s a pleasure to meet you… Hum, I
didn’t really catch your name, sorry, but I’m leaving” he says, getting up, and
no amount of growling and staring from Derek will make him sit down again.
“It’s Jacob” the man replies, inclining his head, and Stiles can’t help it, he
laughs.
“Your name is Jacob?”
Instead of growling or getting angry, something Derek would do, no question,
the man grins.
“I know. Poor choice of names, even though I’m older, and therefore, not at
fault for the taste of that woman in names.”
Stiles smiles in return and starts walking to the door.
“Nice to meet you again.”
“Stiles” Derek calls when he’s at the door, and there’s something in the voice
that gives him pause, but he is done reading between the lines with Derek.
He wants things spelled out now.
“Don’t” he says, gripping the doorknob, “Just don’t. And don’t come to my
house, or I swear to god I’ll scream bloody murder and my dad is home tonight.”
He doesn’t stop to see if the threat actually makes Derek reconsider, he just
leaves.
He can’t deal with this.
He just can’t.
                                So lead me back
                          Turn south from that place
There’s silence in the room once the door is shut – with much more force than
needed, but Stiles was doing a dramatic exit, so it’s understandable.
Every single person in the room is looking at Derek, and he tries to hold his
ground – it’s too much information. That morning he was under the impression
that no one even knew he and Stiles had something, and suddenly they are angry
because he’s not acknowledging the boy as pack.
And he’s not even going to try to think about the mate thing, because he has an
Alpha to focus on – friendly, yes, but he trusts other wolves as far as he can
throw them, and that’s it.
“I’m really sorry about my timing” Jacob starts, and he seems a bit amused, “If
this wasn’t a necessary visit I wouldn’t be disturbing you.”
Derek takes a deep breath and stares at his pack – who look on the verge of
revolting, but still obey. They take their places at the table, and Derek sits
at the head of it, Isaac standing up behind him.
That place should have been Peter’s, but he really doesn’t trust the man at his
back.
In a last gesture of defiance, the place to his right is left open – no one
sits there.
It’s Stiles place, and they won’t let him forget it.
Jacob takes his place last, at the other end of the table and sighs, but smiles
afterwards.
His smile is open and caring, relaxed and calming. He looks like someone’s
favorite older brother.
How did this guy become an Alpha?
“As I said before, I’m Jacob Grishman. My grandfather has passed away a few
weeks ago, and he chose me to be the next Alpha” his voice carries grief, and
Derek has to swallow hard. If the man passed along his Alpha position, that
means they are a family pack. One made up of born werewolves, who live as a
family and fight together – not bitten teenagers, but a family. He hates Jacob
a bit for it; he can’t help it, “Two days after I was accepted as the Alpha,
one of our bitten Betas decided he wanted to dispute my title. He didn’t win
the fight, went rogue, and ran away. As far as we could track him, he is in
this territory, and I’m hunting him down, to bring him to justice. He killed
one of ours when he ran away, and the family demands justice. As you are the
pack responsible for this territory I thought you might want to help – and if
not, I want to ask for permission to hunt him myself.”
Derek is silent, thinking about it for a few moments – there’s a rogue in his
territory, so, of course he’ll have to hunt him down, and kill him. But if the
Alpha wants justice, he’ll probably want to kill him himself, or bring him to
his territory to deal with him.
The thing is does he want this man to stay? He doesn’t like him.
He’s too… friendly.
Peter is staring at him, and he knows what he wants to say: it’s a family pack,
what means they are powerful – which means they’d be good allies.
He has to do what’s best for his pack, right?
“We’ll help you hunt him down as long as you follow our rules, and our
treaties. Beacon Hills is in a… delicate position. We can’t have problems
here.”
The man nods, serious and solemn, and Derek stares at him some more before
continuing, “This is not the only Pack in this town. The other pack is made up
of three…” Lydia cleans her throat and stares at him angrily, and Derek sighs
exasperatedly, “two teenagers. One of them, the human, is the daughter of an
Argent.”
Jacob looks surprised by this, but he doesn’t question Derek further – he’s
volunteering information so that he won’t ask, and the fact that Jacob
understands that makes him dislike him a bit less.
Only a little bit.
“I should probably try to arrange a meeting with the other Alpha” Jacob
comments, and Jackson snorts. The man looks at him and the wolf looks down,
still smiling.
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll ask Stiles to tell him everything later” Peter
offers, and Jacob stares at him and Derek a bit, before nodding again, after
all, this is not his territory, he doesn’t know how things get done here.
Jacob gets up then, smiling at them all.
“I thank you for your time and help. I’ll spend the night trying to track him,
if that’s okay?” when Derek nods, he smiles again, and Peter stares at Derek
and glares at the door. Derek actually gets up then and gestures for the door,
for once pretending to have some of the education his mother gave him.
When they are away from the pack, Jacob actually turns to him, the door already
open behind him, and looks down, in a clear gesture of trying to look
unthreatening.
“I’m sorry for interfering before, the human left when I arrived, and I really
didn’t mean to interrupt you and him.”
Derek stares at him, trying to stay calm. The man isn’t actually doing anything
wrong.
“It’s not a problem” he shakes his head, “And he is not my mate” he adds,
remembering what the other Alpha had said before, making Jacob frown a bit, but
it’s gone in a second.
“I am really sorry, then, for saying so. I was a bit thrown. He is a part of
your pack, though?”
Derek doesn’t answer, just looks pointedly at the door, and Jacob looks even
more confused, but smiles a bit, gets out of the house, turning again already
on the porch.
“I thank you again for your time. Could I come by tomorrow morning so we can
talk strategies?”
“Eight” he says, and Jacob nods, leaving, finally.
Derek doesn’t like him, not even a little bit.
“Be here tomorrow morning, eight sharp” he tells the rest of his pack and goes
upstairs. He listens to the teens leaving, Isaac going with Lydia and Jackson
somewhere – after all, it is Friday night, and they are teenagers.
He listens to Peter coming after him and sighs, expecting another dressing
down.
“I’m going to Stiles’ house, let him know about this, and ask him to tell Scott
to be here” he says and leaves, and Derek is surprised to be left alone.
He doesn’t want to think about the disappointed tone in Peter’s voice.
So he ignores it, and tries to sleep.
                   And close my eyes from my recent disgrace
                            ‘Cause you know my call
When Stiles gets home his dad is already there. He smiles and waves at him, but
doesn’t say a word.
He’s not sure he can manage it.
He closes the door behind him in his room and sits on the floor, putting his
head against the door, staring at nothing.
He’s not pack.
He knows he is, though, everyone accepts him there, and he knows he’s filled a
void left behind by Erica and Boyd when they ran away; and yet, Derek won’t
admit it, won’t say it, won’t realize Stiles is a part of it.
He doesn’t want to, that’s what comes down to, and that’s what makes him feel
so completely… miserable.
Derek doesn’t want him in his pack. He doesn’t want Stiles to mean anything,
even though he clearly does mean something. That’s what breaks his heart into
tiny little pieces and makes it hard to breathe. He knows he is something to
Derek, and Derek doesn’t want him to be.
It’s actually worse than being nothing at all, than being a part of Scott’s
pack, even though he’s a third wheel and not a pack member with those two.
It’s worse than everything, because Derek doesn’t want him to mean anything.
Fuck him? Sure, he’ll do it, but it means nothing, even though it kills Stiles
inside to always be alone when he wakes up in the morning, even though he wants
to be able to kiss Derek just for kissing. To be close to him just because he
wants the proximity. He wants to be able to hold Derek in his arms when their
dicks aren’t involved in the equation.
He can’t.
He will never be able to do that, because Derek doesn’t feel the same way.
That’s it.
The end.
Eventually, his dad knocks on his door and calls him down to dinner, and Stiles
goes. He’s not hungry, but he has to eat, and his dad would worry to hell and
back if he doesn’t want dinner.
So he eats and makes small talk, and makes an excuse to go to bed early because
he’s tired from studying to his exams. His dad actually believes him, because
Stiles grades are good enough that it’s a valid reason.
He knows there’s someone in his room when he opens the door, but the pair of
blue eyes glowing actually calms him down a bit.
It’s a crazy, crazy day when he knows Peter Hale is in his room and that
doesn’t freak him out.
“The Alpha wants our help hunting down a rogue. Shouldn’t be much trouble, but
we’re supposed to meet him tomorrow morning, eight o’clock, at the house. Can
you let Scott know?” he says with no preamble, and Stiles sits heavily in his
desk chair, nodding.
“Sure. Scott’ll be there.”
Peter stares at him a bit and seems to come to a decision, even if not a
pleasant one by the way he looks pained before speaking.
“Not just Scott, Scott’s pack and you.”
“I don’t know if Allison will be able to make it, but I’ll let Scott know. And
I don’t see why I should be there, seeing as I’m obviously not Scott’s pack and
my Alpha has just told me I’m not pack either” he swears to god his voice is
not trembling, but Peter seems to catch on to that and sighs, sitting on
Stiles’ bed, facing him.
“Derek is an idiot, Stiles. He’s emotionally dumb.”
“I know that. Hell, I know that, but it doesn’t really cut it anymore, not when
things are like this” he replies, shaking his head, and Peter leans forwards,
his elbows on his knees.
“Well, it takes two to tango, you let things get to this point too.”
“Oh, no no no!” Stiles says, looking offended and pissed off, “You don’t get to
defend your dear nephew right now. I’m eighteen. I was seventeen when this shit
started, and Derek is supposed to be the Alpha. I tried talking to him, and he
won’t let me. I’m not exactly the best person to manage my feelings, and I know
that, and I couldn’t reach him, because every time it looked like we’d talk
about it he ran away” he stares at Peter and sighs, and his breathing is a bit
shaken, “I didn’t want to lose him, so I let him do what he had to do. I didn’t
even ask for a reason, not even once, and I don’t know why you were talking
about mates, but that’s not what I wanted to be either. And tonight he told me
I’m not pack. It’s more than him not wanting to be with me forever or whatever
crap he seems to think I’ll demand from him – he told me I’m not pack.”
“He didn’t mean it” Peter argues, and Stiles snorts, looking down.
“It sure felt like he did” his voice is quiet and lost, and a little bit
broken, because he’s been waiting.
He’s been waiting for Derek to come to him and for them to work out their
issues. For him to come to terms to the fact that neither he nor Stiles are
Kate Argent, they won’t rip each other’s hearts out and burn their families
down. For Derek to realize Stiles actually trusts him, and that Derek trusts
Stiles too, even if he doesn’t seem to notice he does.
He tried making Derek see those things, and he failed time and again, and he’s
tired. Because he’s not a wolf, and he’s afraid of demanding anything.
What does he have to give, anyway?
He’ll demand that Derek face what they are or leave, and Derek will tell him to
leave.
And he wants, desperately, to stay. Even if things were wrong before.
But telling him he’s not pack?
That went deeper than Stiles was expecting, because for a very long time now,
pack is all he has.
Sure, his dad is amazing, and awesome, and loves him more than it’s safe for
him, but he’s always working. Plus, Stiles is always lying to him, they don’t
really get each other anymore. Scott was happy with Allison, they were pretty
much all the other needed these days, when Derek is taking care of the whole
town, and only ever calling Scott when he really needs it – hell, Stiles has
been in more fights than Scott these past few months, because their pack is the
one that defends Beacon Hills, not Scott’s.
So now Derek telling him he’s not Pack? That’s telling him he has no family
anymore, no place.
Nothing.
He’s all alone, just like he always thought he’d end up.
“Stiles…” Peter starts, but Stiles just raises his head and stares at him, and
his eyes are full of tears.
“He told me I’m not pack, Peter” he doesn’t say anything else, and the man
apparently doesn’t need him to, because he looks displeased and pissed off, but
not at Stiles.
“Be there.”
Stiles stares at him and takes a deep breath.
“I will.”
Before he can say anything else, Peter is gone and Stiles gets into bed without
even bothering to change his clothes. He calls Scott in the dark, tells him
about the Alpha and the meeting, hangs up, and closes his eyes.
He tries to sleep.
All alone.
                              We'll share my all
                 Now children come and they will hear me roar
The next morning, they are headed to the Hale house bright and early – or not
so much bright, because, hello, winter, but the early part they have covered.
Allison is nodding off in the front seat, and Scott is bemoaning Alphas and
their lack of sense, while Stiles drives his jeep.
He hasn’t told Scott about the whole thing last night, and Allison isn’t awake
enough to realize there’s something wrong with Stiles quietness. They will,
though.
He really doesn’t want to have that conversation.
They get there and Stiles gets out of the car, but refuses to go up to the
house and knock. He sits on the hood of his jeep, looking at Isaac with a
bright smile when the boy comes out of the house with a mug of steaming coffee
in his hands.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you, you are my favorite wolf, now and forever,
please, I want to marry you and have your babies!” Stiles babbles and takes a
sip of his coffee, closing his eyes in appreciation, and missing the way Isaac
has frozen.
He does hear the chuckle coming from near them, though.
“Not a morning person, huh?”
When he looks back, he sees the Alpha from the night before coming towards them
– he’s walking, and Stiles wonders if he came here on foot, or if he spent the
night in the woods.
He’s not wearing his glasses, though.
“Not all of us can be morning wolves, Twilight boy” he answers, and that gets
another chuckle out of the Alpha, who is now right in front of them.
“Good morning” he says pleasantly to Isaac, who only nods. He looks into the
car curiously, and Stiles shakes his head.
“Those two are the other pack in Beacon Hills. A pack of two. A couple of
wolves – or actually, a wolf and his girlfriend” he babbles, knocking on the
door with a lot of strength, “Hey, there, Scott, the Alpha is here to meet you,
wake up.”
They hear a muffled Jesus Christ it’s too early for this shit before a rumpled
looking Scott is getting out of the car, and pulling Allison with him.
When he sees the Alpha, though, he gets alert, and pulls Allison behind him,
getting a snort from Stiles for his troubles.
“Really? Bit late for that, you know. How come you’re not pulling me behind
you? I’m your best friend!” he exclaims indignantly, and Scott looks at him,
unimpressed.
“Yes. The best friend you left for another pack.”
Truth be told, it’d have been funny if all that shit hadn’t gone down the night
before. As it had, Stiles just looks down and smiles bitterly.
When he looks up again, the Alpha is watching him carefully.
“Stiles, right?” he asks, offering him his hand, and Stiles smiles at him.
“Yeah” he answers, shaking said hand, even if he knows that, technically, he
shouldn’t. This is an Alpha from another pack.
But he’s a) human and b) packless, because hell will freeze over before he
gives Derek the satisfaction of saying he’s a part of his pack again.
“Stiles!” comes a commanding voice, and Jacob looks up, not letting go of his
hand immediately – he does so slowly, watching as Derek approaches, and Stiles
breathes in deeply, trying to calm down.
“What?” he shots back, and he can tell Derek is on the verge of growling land.
Derek doesn’t answer, though. He grabs Stiles from the hood of the car and puts
the boy behind him.
Just like Scott had done for Allison.
What the ever loving fuck?!
He glares at Derek’s back as he nods good morning to the other Alpha and Scott,
and Jacob is staring at Derek with a completely bewildered look on his face.
There’s something else going on there that he’s missing because he’s human –
and the impression is confirmed when Scott looks at Jacob, then at Derek (who
are looking at each other) and then at Stiles, who just looks confused, and
frowns.
A frowning Scott is a not-understanding Scott. It’s a Scott who can’t quite
grasp the meaning of something.
And what is Scott not getting has to do with Stiles.
“The others are coming” Derek says, and Jacob nods, smiling, and turning away
from him, looking at Stiles again.
Well, there’s no doubt now that the guy is an Alpha, and is afraid of basically
nothing, because dismissing Derek like that is a form of death wish.
“I would like to apologize for yesterday, when I assumed you were Derek’s mate”
he says calmly, and Stiles shrugs, making a point of walking around Derek and
sitting on the hood of his car again – closer to Jacob than Derek.
“No harm done” he answers, looking down.
“I still shouldn’t have done it. It really wasn’t any of my business.”
Stiles looks at the man then, really looks at him, and nods, shrugging at the
same time. He doesn’t even consider the way Derek is growling again. Peter
comes out of the house just as Jackson is parking his car, Lydia getting out of
it with him, and Stiles decides to say something, because he’s still missing
information, and he doesn’t want to deal with none of the night before right
now.
“Well, let’s get down to business, shall we?” Stiles says, because he doesn’t
appreciate this exposition of his personal life, this let’s talk about how
Derek fucks him but doesn’t want him in his pack thing, “We’re here because you
lost a rogue, and he ended up in Hale territory, and now we need to track him
down and kill him” he summarizes the whole thing briefly, smiling all the time,
and jumps off the hood of his car, “You crazy kids talk about it, and I’m
leaving” he’s smiling again, already moving to his car.
“What?!” Scott says, confused, “Stiles…”
But Stiles doesn’t let him finish, he just looks at Scott and then at Allison,
and Allison gets the message, putting a hand on Scott’s arm.
“I’m sure Jackson will give you a ride back. I don’t have anything to do here,
anyway. It’s not like I’m pack or anything” he finishes, looking at Derek as he
says it, and it’s very, very clear, by the look on Lydia’s and Allison’s faces
that you don’t have to be a werewolf to see the tears in his eyes.
Fuck this shit, he’s tired, and he’s going home.
           So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
                     ‘Cause oh they gave me such a fright
There’s something very, very wrong with the Hale pack, and even if it’s none of
his business he can’t help but wonder.
The human boy, Stiles, reeks of the Alpha. He also smells like loneliness and
sadness and a whole lot of things kids that age shouldn’t smell like – he
knows, he has friends that age, and he was that age not too long ago. And yet,
here’s the boy, who is obviously important and capable enough to have belonged
to two packs, saying he’s not pack.
Only he… is. He smells like the Hale pack.
Like the Alpha.
They arrange a tracking system, and Jacob is relieved, because it’ll be easy
catching the rogue with the help of these two strange packs, who are obviously
just one, seeing as Scott defers to Derek in everything, and yet they insist
they are not the same pack.
Probably emotional history and a whole plethora of things he has no way of
knowing or understanding – and, really, he has no right to any of it – but
Stiles… calls to him.
He was raised to be an Alpha ever since birth. He grew up knowing one day the
sole responsibility of keeping his family strong and together would be on his
shoulders, and he acted accordingly. They weren’t a closed off pack, they had
bitten wolves and stray Omegas who became his Betas or only stayed long enough
to see that the Pack life wasn’t for them, but he knew how to deal with this,
he knew how to recognize the signs of depression and sadness, and just… someone
who needed help.
And Stiles so, so clearly did.
Of course he shouldn’t mess with this, though, because he’s not in his
territory, he’s not home, and he’s not the Alpha of this pack – even if what
he’s seen form Derek so far isn’t exactly stellar, he can tell he’s trying his
very best. He knows the history of his family, he also knows Derek isn’t like
him, Derek was never supposed to be in this Alpha business, he was raised to be
a pack fighter, a strong beta, second in command, probably, but not the leader,
and it shows in the way he seems to command his pack like an army, not a
family.
It shows.
It’s not his business though.
He should stay away.
But he just can’t.
Mostly because, well, Stiles is kind of adorable.
So they discuss plans and a way to sweep the forest in pairs that night, a
werewolf only event, and Derek commands Lydia to stay at Stiles’ that night.
The girl nods, and that throws Jacob again – why is Derek doing this?
This denying Stiles when he so obviously cares about the teen?
What is wrong with this man?!
He leaves with the promise of being back before sundown, and goes to his car,
which he parked a little ways away from the house, not wanting to be followed
or heard the night before. He swears to everything that he didn’t realize he
was doing it – he didn’t even notice he had memorized Stiles’ scent and was
following it to the teen’s house.
He looks at the house, he can hear the boy in what he assumes is the teen’s
room, his breathing shaken and unsteady – he’s crying.
Jacob shakes his head and turns on the next corner, driving away from the town
until he has to come back by nightfall.
He can’t deal with such stupidity in a single day.
                      But I will hold as long as you like
                       Just promise me we'll be alright
Scott texts him in the middle of the day to tell him Lydia is spending the
night at his house.
Because Derek wants them safe.
Stiles stares at the text and shakes his head, growling in frustration, because
he can’t deal with this. He can’t, he doesn’t even know how to begin to do it.
It’s as if from last night to now everything has shifted, and the letters he
received that morning on the mail didn’t help any either.
At least Lydia is sane enough that he will be able to talk to her, maybe.
Possibly.
He hopes so, because he’s at his wits end and doesn’t know what to do anymore.
Allison is going with them, to hunt in the woods for the rogues, and Stiles and
Lydia just have to keep out of the wolves’ and hunter’s way. That’s all they
have to do, because there’s no research for this one, nothing they can do to
help.
They have to sit and wait and ponder what the hell they are doing with their
lives.
Or maybe that’s just Stiles – he’s sure Lydia has her future with Jackson
planned ahead of her.
He spends the rest of his afternoon trying to bring his house to some
resemblance of order – the last time Lydia had come over and found the place in
a mess he didn’t hear the end of it for weeks. Plus, menial labor could help
distracting him. He finishes washing the dishes, and tidying up the living room
and his room, and then takes a shower. Lydia arrives soon after that, being
dropped off by Jackson, who holds her and asks her to take care.
Yeah, because she and Stiles will sure be in great danger at his house.
Jackson soon leaves, and Stiles smiles tentatively at Lydia.
“So… we could watch some movies, but I’m vetoing The Notebook, because I can’t
handle romance right now. I want to watch something with a lot of deaths in it.
Can we, please?” he rambles as he leads her to the living-room, and Lydia sits
on the couch, watching Stiles carefully.
“You’re not okay” she says, with a small tilt of her head, and Stiles laughs
bitterly, settling on the couch next to her, staring at the ceiling.
“Derek came here yesterday morning. He jerked me off, he made me suck him off,
and then he left. And less than twelve hours later, he told me I’m not pack.
Before you guys came in” he says, because she looks as if she’s going to say he
got it wrong, and this time – this time – he didn’t get it wrong, “He told me
with all the letters spelled out that I’m not his pack.” He swallows hard and
keeps staring at the ceiling, “I don’t know if I can take this anymore, Lydia”
he whispers finally, and there’s silence after that.
When he’s brave enough to look at the girl, she’s staring at him with an
expression he’s seen on her face exactly once before – the day she had made it
clear to him she liked him quite a lot as a friend, and she’d never, ever, even
consider him as anything else.
It’s the expression she had on when she broke his heart, and now he knows she’s
using it because his heart is broken again.
She takes one of his hands into hers and sighs.
“I… I don’t know how to help you, Stiles. I don’t know how things between the
two of you work, none of us do. I thought there was something wrong about it,
something that didn’t quite fit, and you know Peter has caught up on it too,
but the others honest to god only ever thought you two weren’t open about being
together because of your age, of how things would change in the pack, that
maybe Derek was afraid the others would think he’d play favorites with you.
Even I never…” she trails off, and Stiles looks to the ceiling again, because
he knows what she’s going to say.
She’s never thought Derek didn’t care about him at all.
“He threw me against a wall one day, and instead of threatening to rip my
throat out, he kissed me. A week after that we were jerking off together in my
bed. Three days after that we were at his place, and he threw me in bed and
fucked me. We never talked about it. He’s never stayed with me. He never said
he wants me around. He doesn’t even say a word while we are having sex. He
never kissed me after we did anything. I thought…” he makes a pause and is kind
of surprised at the tears running down his cheeks, but he ignores them, “I
thought I meant something, Lydia, but I don’t. I so obviously don’t.”
She doesn’t say anything, just squeezes his hand again and puts her head on his
shoulder, a comforting weight by his side.
The TV stays off all night, and they fall asleep side by side on the couch.
                  But hold me still bury my heart on the cold
                 And hold me still bury my heart next to yours
Stiles opens his eyes to find himself being stared at by the whole pack.
How the hell did they get into his house and he didn’t even hear a thing?
He closes his eyes with a groan, and Lydia mumbles something, hiding her face
into the crook of his neck – they’re a mess of tangled limbs on the couch.
Jackson is shaking his head, looking amused, and Stiles looks at him and the
blond smiles at him a bit. Jackson knows they are friends, and that even if
Stiles was still hung up on her nothing would happen.
He trusts Stiles, strangely enough.
Derek, however, is looking at Lydia as if she’s the threat they were looking
for last night.
“You know, this is all kinds of inappropriate behavior. You are breaking into
the Sheriff’s house, you know?” he says before he can stop himself, but Scott
grins at him.
“Yeah, and you always let us in, so it’s cool. Plus, your dad has left for
work, like, three hours ago.”
Stiles glares at him and tries to move Lydia to the other side of the couch,
but the girl wakes up in the process and hisses at him.
“Stop moving, Stilinski” she says before even opening her eyes.
“We have guests” he says, and she cracks one eye open, staring at the wolves in
his living-room.
“Why are you all such creeps” she mumbles and gets up, going to the bathroom.
Stiles rubs his eyes again and sprawls on the couch, closing his eyes again.
“So… did you come here for a purpose, or…”
“Your dad caught the rogue” Scott blurts out, and Stiles is immediately alert.
“What?!”
“Your dad caught the rogue. He tried to blend in last night, go into the town
for food apparently, but he got into some trouble, and your dad took him in”
Jackson explains, sitting down, and Scott follows suit, just like Isaac and
Allison.
Finally, it’s just the two Alphas and Peter staring at him, standing.
He hadn’t even noticed Jacob there.
“Is…” before he can even ask anything Derek sits down beside him and puts a
hand on his shoulder. He tries not to recoil from it but it’s almost
impossible, and he is sure every single werewolf in the room sees the flinch.
“He’s fine. The werewolf didn’t attack or anything, even went with no
complaints. He knows if a wolf is ever arrested the best way to keep alive is
not to cause trouble. We just have to wait for an opening to take him out of
jail, but our job is pretty much done for us. Your dad did it” Jacob tells him
with a grin, and Stiles can breathe easily once again, the hand on his shoulder
rubbing it in circles.
It’s almost comforting, but when Stiles looks at Derek, he’s not looking at
Stiles – he’s staring at Jacob.
Derek is showing the other Alpha that Stiles is his. He won’t say he’s pack,
hell, he won’t even stay and chat after sex, but another Alpha comes to town
and he’s all territorial.
Before he can open his mouth to complain, Lydia comes back into the room and
she stops, eyes narrowed at Derek, hands on her hips.
“You know what, you don’t get to do this anymore!” she tells their Alpha
heatedly, “I don’t care if you’re the Alpha, but Stiles doesn’t need this kind
of crap right now. You’re ruining his life, you tell him he’s not pack, and
then you get all comfy in his couch? No! You don’t get to do this, Derek, I
don’t care if you’re going to kick me out of the pack too, but you don’t get to
toy with my friend like this!” she then grabs Stiles arm and pulls him up to
her side. She glares at all of them, and pulls Stiles upstairs with her, to his
room.
She closes the door behind her with a bang, and paces the entire length of the
room – she’s really pissed off.
“Thanks” he says eventually, and Lydia shakes her head, staring at him with
eyes filled with sadness.
“I felt that if it was up to you, you’d just let him” she says with a voice
that is full of concern, and maybe doubting his sanity at the same time.
“I…” he swallows hard, and looks down, sitting at the edge of his bed, “I love
him” he whispers, and Lydia sits down beside him, and doesn’t question.
She knows that I love him means he can’t stop. That he’s saying he’ll stop, and
he doesn’t want this anymore, but that, if push came to shove, he’d cave – he’d
do whatever Derek wanted him to do.
He doesn’t cry, but he feels empty.
Derek obviously doesn’t love him.
He just needs to… have some space.
Then maybe – maybe – he’ll be able to move on.
He hopes.
           So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
                     ‘Cause oh they gave me such a fright
The thing about a pack is that is very, very hard to keep secrets from each
other.
Mostly because of the super hearing, sniffing out feelings thing.
A prime example of this is when the two humans of the pack go upstairs, and all
the werewolves downstairs keep listening to what they’re saying.
And then they listen to Lydia soft criticism.
And they listen to Stiles’ confession.
And then Scott gets up from where he’s sitting beside Allison, goes to Derek
and actually punches him, before leaving the house, pulling Allison with him.
No one says anything, but Peter is definitely smirking.
Derek is looking down, and Isaac hovers a bit before leaving too.
Jackson stares a bit more, and then goes upstairs, knocking on the door, and
letting Lydia know he’s leaving and asks her to call him when she gets home.
Derek still doesn’t move and Peter stares at him a bit more, before shaking his
head and leaving.
Finally, the Alpha of Beacon Hills looks at Jacob and tilts his head to the
side.
“Aren’t you going to leave?” he rasps out, voice gruff.
“I don’t think you have any more right to be here than I do” Jacob answers
coldly.
Derek’s eyes flash red, but he gets up and leaves.
Jacob sighs and looks up – there’s silence in Stiles’ bedroom.
He leaves too, pulling the door closed behind him.
                    But I will hold on with all of my might
                       Just promise me we'll be alright
Stiles is decided not to breakdown. He won’t. He refuses to.
Of course, he had spent the last two years building some sort of relationship
in his head, but okay, he could deal with it all being some sort of illusion
from his part – Derek hadn’t, after all, ever said anything to him about it.
He acted like he cared, though.
Sometimes.
When they were in danger, when he tried to protect Stiles, pushing him out of
harm’s way. When he took care when they were together, always controlling his
change, never wolfing out when they were together. That one time he spent a
whole week following the Sheriff around because there was a wave of violent
crimes, and Stiles had been so worried when his dad started working the night
shift, trying to get the culprit.
The way he looked at Stiles sometimes, when they were alone, as if… as if he
was something special. Something worth it.
He never said anything though, and now that he was saying it was nothing good.
The boy sighs and pulls two big white envelopes from his closet, taking them to
the kitchen with him.
Acceptance letters.
He had applied to a bunch of colleges, but there were few he was really
considering – mostly, he wanted to go Stanford, because Palo Alto was near
enough that he could come home every weekend I he wanted to.
His dad was near like this.
His pack.
His Alpha.
But now he was rethinking everything.
The first envelope was for Stanford, and the great Pre-Law program he wanted to
do.
The second was for Brandeis.
Brandeis, in Boston, in the whole other side of the country. Where he could
live so far away from everything and everyone that he might even forget them.
He wouldn’t be able to visit often, he’d have to stay away.
It didn’t have the focus he wanted, but then again, he was adaptable. He could
change his planned Major to a number of things, and all of them could be done
far enough that the temptation to just let Derek do whatever he wanted to do to
him wouldn’t even be a possibility.
He would miss his pack, though.
He would miss it all so much.
He would have to decide soon – start with the scholarships programs and student
loans, go and look at dorms and other things. He’d have to decide, and this
would pretty much decide everything else.
Would he leave it all behind and start again, on a clean slate, or would he
still be here, trying, and trying, and trying, without ever getting anything
out of it, never being able to actually do what he wanted to do because Derek
would always be there. Even if Stiles lived in Palo Alto, even if he came home
less frequently, it was so near.
He would never forget Derek if he was near him.
He would always want to try.
Did he want to?
He sighs and drops his head on the table. He can’t decide all of it right now.
Looking at the clock, he sees it’s almost midday, and decides to make himself
something to eat, possibly leaving something for his dad to heat up later. He’s
almost done when there’s a knock on his door, and, surprisingly, it’s Jacob.
Stiles opens the door, and smiles uncertain at the man.
“Hey” he greets.
“Hello, Stiles. Can I come in to talk to you for a moment?” Jacob asks very
politely, and Stiles steps aside, letting him in.
The Alpha wouldn’t eat him or anything, right?
When he closes the door, he rubs his neck awkwardly.
“Do you want something to eat? I’ve just made lunch” he says, going to the
kitchen, and the man smiles at him, easy and open.
“No, thanks. But go on and eat, though. I just came here to tell you not to
worry about your dad. The rogue won’t attack him or the other officers, he
knows he’s caught – I called my pack’s lawyer this morning, and he’s arranging
to have him transferred to Boston, where he’s been accused of crimes first. As
the charges there are way more serious, I don’t think there’ll be any problems”
he finishes, and Stiles stares at him, shrugging.
“Okay. Thanks for… you know, letting me know. I always get nervous when my dad
gets caught up in the middle of these things.”
“It’s understandable” Jacob says, smiling again, and looking over the table,
where he sees the envelopes, and the logos on top of them, “Acceptance
letters?” he asks, looking them over.
“Yeah” Stiles says, sitting down and staring at the envelopes as if they’re
going to attack him.
“They’re very different schools” Jacob comments, picking the Brandeis envelope
up while sitting, and smiling, “I went to Brandeis” he finishes, and Stiles
stares at him, surprised.
“Really?”
“Yes. Almost everyone form our pack either went there or somewhere near it. Two
went to Harvard. Our land is near Boston, it was easy to commute, or to come
back home during the full moon” he explains, putting the letter back and
picking up the one for Stanford, “Stanford is near here, though. Easier,
right?”
Stiles is quiet for a moment, shaking his head, but as always, he can’t quite
manage not to say what’s going on his mind.
“I’m not very sure near is better right now” he mutters.
“It’s always better to be near your pack” Jacob answers, and Stiles smiles
bitterly at him.
“Not my pack, though” he replies, shrugging, and his eyes are burning again.
What is he, three years old?
“It’s hard…” Jacob begins, as if he’s not sure what he wants to say, “Even for
humans, it’s hard being without a pack when you have one. If you go away,
you’ll miss them, it may even be so much you won’t even be able to stay.”
Stiles looks at him with a bit of fear in his eyes.
This is it? He can’t leave because of a pack whose Alpha doesn’t want him to be
Pack anymore?
“It can get easier though” Jacob says carefully, staring at Stiles.
“How?”
“You can join another pack” the Alpha says, “My pack.”
Stiles is silent after that, because he was so not expecting this – Jacob was
offering him a place in his pack.
“Are you…” he was going to ask if the man is sure, but he doesn’t want to risk
it.
Maybe this is his chance.
“I am sure. I have to be honest with you, Stiles” he says with a sigh, and
Stiles is now unsure of where this is going.
He doesn’t like that sentence, not even a little bit.
“About what?”
“When I met you at Alpha Hale’s house, I was attracted to you. That’s why I
apologized to Derek, and that’s why I thought you were his mate, his life-
partner, because he got so upset when he sensed it. Your friend Scott sensed it
too yesterday morning. You are… interesting. And caring, and loving, from what
your friends talk about you – and they talked much about you last night. So
much so Derek told them to shut up about seven times. They all love you, and if
I’m not out of line in saying so, I think Derek does too. He cares about you,
at least” he finishes, staring at Stiles carefully, trying to gouge his
reactions.
“I…” he tries saying something, but he can’t.
What would he say? I wish Derek did, but he doesn’t? I sometimes think he loves
me too, but then he tells me he doesn’t?
Jacob smiles at him again and gets up.
“I must be going, I didn’t mean to upset you” he says as an apology, and Stiles
just shakes his head, saying it’s okay, “My offer is made, though. If you do
decide to go to Boston, you have a place with my pack” he looks at Stiles
straight in the eye and smiles, even if tone is serious, “You won’t be alone”
he finishes, leaving without waiting for Stiles to open it for him.
The boy stares at the acceptance letters that now seem to be at least a
thousand times bigger and a billion times heavier.
Maybe it is his chance.
            But the ghosts that we knew made us black and old blue
                          And we'll live a long life
When there’s a knock on his door, Derek actually growls in annoyance because he
knows it’s Jacob. The Alpha who looks like a kind and caring Kindergarten
teacher.
Who keeps staring at Stiles all the time.
Who actually smells like Stiles when he gets into the house because Peter opens
the door for him.
“I came here to talk to you” he says firmly, no smiles, no peaceful air about
him – he’s all business.
“I thought our business was finished last night. Don’t you just have to wait
for your lawyer to do something?” he asks, but Jacob just shakes his head.
“I came here to tell you I’ve just offered Stiles a place in my pack” he states
and stares at Derek without moving.
He doesn’t flinch, he doesn’t look down, he doesn’t back away.
He’s serious.
Derek can’t even answer, but Peter snorts behind him.
“Are you seriously telling me you just offered an Alpha’s mate a place in
another pack?” the older man asks, and Jacob shakes his head.
“You know as well as I do that even if we call them a mate, that’s nothing more
than a romantic relationship between a human and a wolf. And as far as I can
tell, and I’m not stupid, I can tell a lot, there’s nothing going on here. Just
because Stiles smells like Derek doesn’t mean he belongs to him. He’s not a
piece of furniture to belong to anyone, anyway.”
Derek can’t move.
He’s losing this so much faster than he thought he would.
“Derek... Shit. Derek, I’m... I’m dying.”
The memory of the dream comes back to him, and he has to close his eyes to
avoid it.
He doesn’t want to think about it.
Maybe… maybe he should let Stiles go, after all.
Wasn’t that what he was planning on doing anyway?
“He’s hurt” Jacob continues, “He’s sad, he’s miserable, and from what I can
see, he doesn’t deserve that. No one does. And we all know he loves you,
because we heard it, but you sure as hell don’t care about him, to let him
think he’s not pack, not tell him how you fell, to toy with a kid, as if he’s
your plaything” Jacob continues, but that’s when Derek sees red.
He’s not toying with Stiles, he was blinded. He couldn’t see it because he’s so
very, very afraid of losing everything once again, and he can try to fix this,
or maybe he can let Stiles go away, but he had never thought to toy with a kid.
He’s not Kate Argent.
“You know nothing about us” he says, a growl in his tone, his eyes shining red
again as he stares at the other Alpha.
“Maybe I don’t, but I do know about heartbreak, and that boy is so broken I’m
not even sure I can put him back together. You can be sure, though, that if he
comes to me I’ll try.”
Derek moves so fast he himself doesn’t even know how he does it, but he’s out
the door before Jacob can say anything else.
He listens to Peter saying something, and Jacob answering, but he doesn’t
linger to know what that’s about.
He’s not losing Stiles.
He’s only just realizing that he can’t.
He’s not going to say he loves him, or that they are right together, that
they’re fate waiting to happen, that nothing will ever go wrong, but he means
something to Stiles, he does, and now he knows that, and maybe, just maybe, he
won’t have to be afraid that Stiles thinks Derek means nothing more than
someone to have sex with.
Because that’s all this whole stint was – he was so scared by that dream, so
terrified of the very idea of caring about Stiles that he almost lost him.
Maybe he had already done it.
But he owes it to himself to at the very least try.
He can’t let Stiles make this decision without knowing that he means something
to Derek, even if he doesn’t know quite right what that is – he doesn’t know
what this thing is, this desperate need to make sure he’s safe, this taking
care of the Sheriff when he has a night shift, of taking care of Scott just
because he knows Stiles wants his friends safe. He did so many things for that
boy, and all of them ended up being so good for Derek that they went unnoticed,
but if he’s as well as he is now, and ever since his whole family died he’s
never been better, it’s because of Stiles, and how he could sew all of their
pack together.
He would lose everything without Stiles.
Lydia would be the first to go, and Jackson would follow. Maybe even Peter
would leave him. Isaac no doubt would become part of Scott’s pack, and it was
all because of that boy – and the most amazing thing is, he doesn’t even care
about any of that.
He cares about Stiles leaving.
Going away without him, moving on without him.
Yes, he said Stiles wasn’t pack, because he never thought it meant anything to
the teen.
Stiles’s never had a problem of demanding the things he wanted, and he’s never
demanded anything from Derek – no more than he was giving. And he recognizes
it’s twisted and ridiculous but for Derek that meant he didn’t want anything
else.
He thought Stiles wanted to be a pack with Scott, leave for college and never
come back to Beacon Hills.
He’s just so… wrong. So wrong about everything, but most of all, he’s so wrong
about thinking that he could let Stiles go.
He can’t.
He doesn’t want to.
When he gets to Stiles’ house he’s breathless from the run, but he doesn’t
care. He climbs through the teen’s window and listens – Stiles is in the
kitchen, the scratching noise of pen on paper in rhythm with his breathing.
Derek goes downstairs silently, and for a minute he just watches.
Stiles stops every few seconds in what he’s writing and puts his head in his
hands. He picks the pen up again and continues, as if he doesn’t want to do it,
but has to anyway. His eyes are bright and he looks miserable – sad doesn’t
even begin to cover it. He also looks pissed off, by the way his mouth keeps
turning down, and how he is biting the inside if his cheeks.
His breathing is controlled because he’s making it so, he doesn’t want to be
feeling whatever it is he’s feeling. He also doesn’t want to write whatever it
is he’s writing, his hand gripping the pen so tight it might break the utensil,
but he keeps going, because this is who Stiles is.
He keeps going, he just keeps on going until he can’t anymore, and even then
he’ll try.
Derek just hopes he can go a little bit more for him.
“You can’t be a part of Jacob’s pack” he says, startling the teen who jumps out
of his chair, his breathing going crazy, while he sets a hand over his heart.
“Jesus freaking Christ, Derek, would you mind not killing me?” he asks, getting
up, but Derek hounds him against the table, trapping him there, putting a hand
on each side of his body, supporting them on the table.
“You can’t be a part of his pack, because you are a part of mine” he continues
and he knows he’s doing this wrong.
He knows it.
This is not what Stiles needs to hear, this is not what he intended to say but
he doesn’t know how to make this better, to make this right.
“You want me to stay?” he asks, but his voice is not hopeful – it’s angry.
So very, very angry.
Derek doesn’t answer, he makes a noise, maybe a growl, maybe a whine, he
doesn’t even know, but Stiles shakes his head, pissed off and brave, as he
always gets when the time for a fight comes.
“No. No, you don’t get to do this, just like Lydia said before. You don’t get
to decide you want me here when you told me I wasn’t yours! You can’t do this!”
“You’re pack” Derek repeats, trying to make him see, to make him understand
that, even if Stiles doesn’t want him anymore he can stay.
He has to stay.
“It’s not enough” Stiles says, staring at Derek in the eyes, and pushing him
away, moving to the other side of the kitchen, eyeing Derek angrily, “It’s not
enough, because you hurt me. All the time. Seeing you hurts me, Derek! I
freaking love you, I’d do anything for you, and that’s not healthy, because if
I stay, it’ll never change! I’ll always let you do whatever you want to do to
me, and I’ll never have a say, because I fucking love you so much! I’m… I
can’t” he finishes, and Derek makes a frustrated sound, wishing he could say
things and make Stiles understand, and he can’t.
He doesn’t really know how.
“My plan was to go to Stanford, but if I do that, I’ll always be here. I’ll
always want to be around you. And I don’t know what we mean, Derek. I get that
you’re bad with words and feelings, but I can read you, and yet you keep on
denying me. This isn’t enough. Telling me I’m pack isn’t enough, because next
time you get scared about how you feel you might shut me out again, and I can’t
keep doing this! You have to either let me in or let me go, because I can’t
live like this anymore!”
Derek takes a deep breath while Stiles does the same, and stares at the letters
on the table.
Brandeis. Boston.
Where Jacob’s pack lives.
He has to do this. He has to, even if it kills him, because even worse than
Stiles leaving would be knowing he left because Derek didn’t try.
He raises his eyes to Stiles’ and holds the stare, not letting the teen look
away.
“I don’t know if I love you” he starts and Stiles takes in a shuddering breath,
as if hearing the words is hurting him physically, “I thought I loved Kate, and
look where that got me” he continues bitterly, smiling at himself and looking
down for a moment. He hears Stiles coming closer and looks at him again, eye to
eye, “But I know I can’t live without you anymore” his voice is soft and
afraid, for the first time in what feels like a lifetime he’s letting his walls
down, and he’s so afraid, but this is Stiles, there’s nothing to be afraid of.
Stiles loves him.
It’s all he needs to know.
“Please, don’t go” he completes, so very softly and when he looks up Stiles is
right in front of him. He reaches out slowly, giving Stiles time to back away,
but he doesn’t.
He never does.
He pulls Stiles near and their lips touch, not really a kiss, but Stiles
trembles in his arms, and Derek’s heart is trying to beat its way out of his
chest.
“Promise me you’ll try, Derek” Stiles whispers against his lips, looking into
his eyes.
“I will. More than anything” he answers, and Stiles closes his eyes again,
kissing him first, invading his mouth and pushing against a wall, and Derek
lets him – he has to let him.
He trusts him more than he trusts anyone.
Derek pulls him close and lifts him up, going to Stiles room. The door is
closed softly behind them, and he puts Stiles down, taking his shirt off.
He lays down in bed and Stiles follows, settling over him, and they take off
each other’s clothes trading small kisses with a carefulness and a hesitation
as if they’ve never done this before, as if their bodies don’t know each other
as well as they know their own.
And Derek looks at Stiles the whole time, and he whispers against Stiles’ skin,
and he pulls Stiles close, trusting Stiles not to hurt him, lets Stiles fill
him, mark him, have him – because this is what they are: they belong not to
each other, but together.
He answers the question in Stiles eyes with a kiss, and pulls him close,
putting his legs around Stiles’ waist, welcoming him near and closer. He helps
Stiles prepare him, and lets him do whatever he wants to him, for as long as he
wants.
He surrenders, because surrendering to Stiles is just like becoming himself
even more. He wants this, he needs this.
He trusts Stiles with this as he knows he’ll never trust anyone else.
And it’s a welcome change, watching Stiles care for him and watch him as if
he’s the most precious thing in the world. They move together and he follows
Stiles lead the whole time.
They can do this.
He hurts all over when Stiles carefully pulls out of him, and his almost golden
eyes are searching for something in Derek’s, but the man pulls him in for a
kiss. Soft and careful.
He lets Stiles pull him close and drape himself over Derek’s body.
And that’s how they’ll wake up hours later.
Together.
              And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
The next morning Stiles puts his college response letter in the mail.
To Stanford.
They’ll never be alone again.
                          And we’ll live a long life
End Notes
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